Shake It Up (from 6/20/07)

It’s days like today that I need something to live for.

Nothing horribly wrong happened today. And maybe that’s part of the problem, because nothing horribly right did either. Things are in the middle, and while there are good things happening, they don’t make me feel much of anything, which could mean more about my current state than my circumstances. Some rest and relaxation would definitely do me good. But I think it’s deeper than that, like fatigue is heightening something else.

Life has felt like a series of hoops. I fulfill my obligations, going where I’m supposed to go. I do my duty, clapping when I’m supposed to clap. I go through my routine, buttering my toast on one side.

And that’s not life. There is a passion that is lacking; I am a car without an engine. And maybe the reason I feel this way is because I went way too long without an oil change, but either way, there’s something deeper going on...an antsiness for and anticipation of a new season, a desire to plunge forward.

We can’t live out of obligation; in feigning enthusiasm, we only numb our hearts, confusing them and making pure, full excitement almost impossible. And this is one of many reasons that we need to ask big questions and dream big dreams; they keep us on our toes, where faking isn’t necessary, where we live out of deep places and subject ourselves to life. Here our laughs aren’t necessarily hard, but full and rich.

All that to say, I need to shake things up a bit, because what I’m doing now leads nowhere. There are two options: fully in and fully out.

And some rest and relaxation would do me good.