I learned something today.
I can be afraid and acting on that fear and not even know it. There are times I'm afraid but I know I want something nonetheless, or when something daunting just must be done. But sometimes fears make things seem as they aren't. These are the deep fears, the ones lurking well below our conscious minds and reasoning. These are the fears that bite at our desires and chop at expectations, and we in our skin rely on rationalities that masquerade as truth.
And this is where God meets us, where he is made perfect in our imperfections. The areas where I can't are the areas where He CAN, and the areas where I couldn't are the areas where, since it definitely wasn't me, I know it had to be Him.
And that builds trust, looking back and seeing things beyond me somehow contained in my actions. It really makes no sense, but it brings a lot of peace.
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1 comment:
hey- i just heard this poem and had a friend send it to me- it seems to fit with this entry:
A LITANY FOR SURVIVAL
For those of us who live at the shoreline
standing upon the constant edges of decision
crucial and alone
for those of us who cannot indulge
the passing dreams of choice
who love in doorways coming and going
in the hours between dawns
looking inward and outward
at once before and after
seeking a now that can breed
futures
like bread in our children's mouths
so their dreams will not reflect
the death of ours:
For those of us
who were imprinted with fear
like a faint line in the center of our foreheads
learning to be afraid with our mother's milk
for by this weapon
this illusion of some safety to be found
the heavy-footed hoped to silence us
For all of us
this instant and this triumph
We were never meant to survive.
And when the sun rises we are afraid
it might not remain
when the sun sets we are afraid
it might not rise in the morning
when our stomachs are full we are afraid
of indigestion
when our stomachs are empty we are afraid
we may never eat again
when we are loved we are afraid
love will vanish
when we are alone we are afraid
love will never return
and when we speak we are afraid
our words will not be heard
nor welcomed
but when we are silent
we are still afraid
So it is better to speak
remembering
we were never meant to survive
- Audre Lorde, in The Black Unicorn
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