HoldingOn (from 08/27/06)

I just spent ten weeks swirling in a storm that had no eye. I just checked the calendar. Ten weeks. I was guessing around five, as the events I experienced seemingly came free from the skeleton we call time, and, lacking structure, fluctuated however they saw fit, rarely if ever predictable.

I was the disgruntled dog owner in denial of his shortcomings; my life was the mutt that decided to take his owner for a "walk," dragging me across pavement and through fields, colliding me with people on the street. But I never expected it to teach me any of this.

I knew I was being taught lots of things. When someone has heard God on your behalf and says, "Get ready for a wonderful ride!" you know you're in for it. I couldn't deny that there were intense spiritual things going on in me, continental shifts causing earthquakes deep inside, as I watched my life wrestled from my own hands.

I learned how far I can be pushed.
I became a man.
I learned to love (and trust).

You'll find, in walking a pet, that it doesn't ever bolt off just to be perturbing; rather, it sees something it wants, or is frightened by a noise, and reacts. I am convinced that God was this catalyst, that He was the one who drove the mutt to near lunacy, that He is largely responsible for the fatigue and pain I have felt. But I love Him for it.

I now know what it means to surrender control, even if I'm still working on that, and I probably will until I die. Hopefully it will get easier, though. I know what it means to hold on when things are tough. And I can relax. At least a little bit, which is a lot to say for a man as intense as myself.