Shake It Up (from 6/20/07)

It’s days like today that I need something to live for.

Nothing horribly wrong happened today. And maybe that’s part of the problem, because nothing horribly right did either. Things are in the middle, and while there are good things happening, they don’t make me feel much of anything, which could mean more about my current state than my circumstances. Some rest and relaxation would definitely do me good. But I think it’s deeper than that, like fatigue is heightening something else.

Life has felt like a series of hoops. I fulfill my obligations, going where I’m supposed to go. I do my duty, clapping when I’m supposed to clap. I go through my routine, buttering my toast on one side.

And that’s not life. There is a passion that is lacking; I am a car without an engine. And maybe the reason I feel this way is because I went way too long without an oil change, but either way, there’s something deeper going on...an antsiness for and anticipation of a new season, a desire to plunge forward.

We can’t live out of obligation; in feigning enthusiasm, we only numb our hearts, confusing them and making pure, full excitement almost impossible. And this is one of many reasons that we need to ask big questions and dream big dreams; they keep us on our toes, where faking isn’t necessary, where we live out of deep places and subject ourselves to life. Here our laughs aren’t necessarily hard, but full and rich.

All that to say, I need to shake things up a bit, because what I’m doing now leads nowhere. There are two options: fully in and fully out.

And some rest and relaxation would do me good.

The Lone Ranger is an Idiot

It's interesting what comes out when you're put into uncomfortable and new situations. Moving across the country is a good thing, but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't tough at times. I miss people. There is something so important and right about being in fellowship with one another, and as the cliché goes, I'm seeing it more now that I don't have it. I'm fine with this and was aware it was coming, but I have to admit that I forgot what this was like and how important it is to simply be with people.

No wonder we are told to keep meeting together.
No wonder unity is encouraged strongly in the Bible.
No wonder God made Eve.

This is just another example of God knowing our inner workings and what fuels and feeds a human; as simple as it sounds, we need love to survive. And so he offers it by placing us among others like us, and by offering us perfect love that humans cannot give. And even God is relational, a person though not a human, talking with Moses, grieved by Israel, fathering His people, jealous when his girl (read: us, the Church) is taken by other lovers. Genesis 1, speaking of God making humanity, says:
"So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them."

The parallelism in these lines, simple as they are, tells me that being with people makes us human, and that the image of God is reflected in our togetherness.

Is this why men living as hermits become almost animals? Is this why the lonely have such deep and bitter sadness? Is this why the abused stop growing emotionally? By ourselves, the lies we believe become true to us because, well, we believe them, and our thinking is never challenged because no one is outside the control room to see what the driver may be missing.

Who we are is largely shaped by who we are with. I am fortunate enough to be in a very different spot than I was 5 years ago after dealing with some crap, walking along, and growing. If I had been left alone that whole time, I'm almost positive I would be exactly the same, if not worse off. When I think of what literally changed my life, it's not ideas, tests, achievements, money, or hard work, though these can be helpful. It's people (I include God here, whose love has cast out fears and worked absolute wonders) who have had the most impact.

Comings&Goings

I've had an ache that comes and goes, the comings becoming longer and the goings shorter as time has progressed since 2006. After spending the first 25 years of my life in California, I reached a point where I simply. needed. out (!) as I realized more and more that this wasn't where I wanted to be or spend the rest of my life.

One thing I knew: I couldn't leave California just to not be there; there had to be a destination and a reason beyond a negated negative. I don't leave college and simply stop at being done with school; I move into the work world. To go somewhere is rooted in positivity, even if that means I'm done with here.

As I thought and prayed about this transition from time to time thru early 2008, I knew it wasn't time and that I was to stay in LA for the time being. Looking back, I'm still not positive why (and things like that often make more sense further down the road anyway), but I do know that some of the decisions I'm making now require more gumption and tenacity than I've ever had up to this point.

Flip the calendar to April of this year, when the cabin fever was reaching relentless. I was having a conversation with some very dear friends about this desire to move, and things were put into perspective.

It is OK to move because I simply want to move.

God's purposes for our lives can take hold of us anywhere we are if we're truly seeking Him.

Sometimes it's just time.

And during that conversation I realized that it was. So I booked 4 separate flights within the next week and left shortly afterward to find a destination.

I visited several places I hadn't been before, diverse, different cities that ran the gamut from small town to sun-blocked-out-by-buildings metropolis. In this I got a better sense of America, seeing the diversity in landscape and culture for what it really is: huge. I made my way through New York, Boston, Charlotte, Greenville (South Carolina), and Nashville in 10 days--just enough time to get a decent feel of each--before coming back to LA.

Nashville completely stuck with me...city-meets-small-town, affordable housing, creative environment, friendly people, seasons, laid-back atmosphere (I don't think the Joneses even live there). I have a crush on that city. When I got home, I couldn't shake it.

So come mid-October, I'll be packing all that I can fit in my car and driving 2,000 miles to Nashville, Tennessee to begin the next phase of my life. I am extremely excited and chomping at the bit, waiting to finish this transition and begin to build again.

Could I have decided to stay in California? Yes. In praying about this decision, God never said I have to go to one place or another, though I believe he does that sometimes. But he made it apparent that I could make a decision and run with it.

So I've chosen to move along and head somewhere where I want to be (uncomfortable as the transition may be), to keep dreaming and see what all this brings.

FearMurdersTruthLoveAndLogic

I learned something today.

I can be afraid and acting on that fear and not even know it. There are times I'm afraid but I know I want something nonetheless, or when something daunting just must be done. But sometimes fears make things seem as they aren't. These are the deep fears, the ones lurking well below our conscious minds and reasoning. These are the fears that bite at our desires and chop at expectations, and we in our skin rely on rationalities that masquerade as truth.

And this is where God meets us, where he is made perfect in our imperfections. The areas where I can't are the areas where He CAN, and the areas where I couldn't are the areas where, since it definitely wasn't me, I know it had to be Him.

And that builds trust, looking back and seeing things beyond me somehow contained in my actions. It really makes no sense, but it brings a lot of peace.

Don't Believe What You're Told

Today I was waiting at the checkout line at Stater Bros, and in front of me were a mother and daughter. I first noticed them because the daughter (maybe 11 or 12?) was talkative and energetic. We were surrounded with tabloids as is usual at the grocery store, where I'm usually more focused on buying groceries.

The girl let out an "Oooo!" and placed her face close to a copy of Us magazine. She read aloud the bold-faced headlines, which centered on Britney Spears and her custody battle, and asked her mom what one phrase meant before pausing. Then came a comment which became a doorway to another issue. "She's skinny again." This girl is aware of Britney Spears' weight (sadly, I am too, because when I log into Yahoo! or try to find out who won at the MTV Music Video Awards, information about her is shoved into my line of sight). And for this girl, it isn't a passing thought, but something important.

This girl is also aware of her own weight. Soon she was talking about how fat she was and how she'd like to go on a diet, not in a despairing or hopeless way, but you could tell there was something behind it. She is young, and when I say maybe 11 or 12, I'm shooting high. She is tiny. And she is skinny.

I'm noticing more is just how loudly the voices around us speak. The loud ones. With messages the majority of us take as truth, even though somewhere deep we know otherwise. This young girl was saturated with them, and Mom's relaxed eyes said it was normal.

I live in Southern California, where the voices shout through megaphones into our overdrawn eardrums. And it's so loud we begin to believe it.

We don't slow down.
We overwork.
We lose who we really are in distractions we're told we need.
We disregard our spouses.
We write off countering desires as idealism.

(Was it Hitler who said that people will believe anything they hear often enough?)

IgloosInTheDesert

So big decisions are coming up...

I've been in an in between place, a desert of sorts where there isn't a clearly marked path, where there's a city I can see faintly ahead, but it's too far ahead to see its architecture and layout; I'm given a rough silhouette and a glimmer of light here and there.

This is the place where trust is tested, when the promises I can't see and am having trouble feeling are to be clung to and cared for. This is when God says, "You may not feel it, but these things that I've spoken to and about you....they're true. Abide in me, rest in me, in this place. I will take care of you," and then I'm to let him do so.

I realized today that I've been having trouble letting myself slow down; every moment is an opportunity to get just one more layer on a painting, to read, to sleep, to run an errand...and all of these good things, but without space between them they become forces and to-do list items instead of activities and joys and passions.

I need to be content enough to sit still, to rest and rehydrate. To abide, to trust that my Heavenly Father will see to do doing all that he has said he will.

John 15 finds Jesus telling his disciples to "remain" in him. Just remain...an action that has no action. "No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me."

Learning, chasing dreams, grabbing life by the horns...these are all good things. But in the midst of these, I must remember to simply remain in Christ. I picture him as an igloo, as a fortress, as a mother bear; his is a safe place. And I can sit there, just remain there.

And so there's this balance of chasing after the things God has called us to, and at the same time remaining in him. And the truth is...."neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." My efforts are futile aside from Christ, leading only to empty achievement and a tired shell of skin and bones.

So this is why I must learn to sit still, to rest, to have fun, because striving just to strive will get me nowhere.

And so in the midst of asking questions about the possibility of getting my Master's and seeing the upheaval that could mark this undertaking, I must remain, trusting that when he says not to worry about finances that he will provide, trusting that whatever changes and challenges occur are already seen and prepared for.

I can keep my plate full if I only learn to chew.

HoldingOn (from 08/27/06)

I just spent ten weeks swirling in a storm that had no eye. I just checked the calendar. Ten weeks. I was guessing around five, as the events I experienced seemingly came free from the skeleton we call time, and, lacking structure, fluctuated however they saw fit, rarely if ever predictable.

I was the disgruntled dog owner in denial of his shortcomings; my life was the mutt that decided to take his owner for a "walk," dragging me across pavement and through fields, colliding me with people on the street. But I never expected it to teach me any of this.

I knew I was being taught lots of things. When someone has heard God on your behalf and says, "Get ready for a wonderful ride!" you know you're in for it. I couldn't deny that there were intense spiritual things going on in me, continental shifts causing earthquakes deep inside, as I watched my life wrestled from my own hands.

I learned how far I can be pushed.
I became a man.
I learned to love (and trust).

You'll find, in walking a pet, that it doesn't ever bolt off just to be perturbing; rather, it sees something it wants, or is frightened by a noise, and reacts. I am convinced that God was this catalyst, that He was the one who drove the mutt to near lunacy, that He is largely responsible for the fatigue and pain I have felt. But I love Him for it.

I now know what it means to surrender control, even if I'm still working on that, and I probably will until I die. Hopefully it will get easier, though. I know what it means to hold on when things are tough. And I can relax. At least a little bit, which is a lot to say for a man as intense as myself.